menabung temu

 

kau menuntut satu demi satu jumpa di akhir minggu

sambil kau kantongi keping keping memori

"bekal untuk perjalanan rinduku," katamu

sebab aku akan pergi, katamu

dan aku menertawaimu berulang kali

sebelum aku tersadar yang kau lakukan

adalah menabung temu demi temu untuk aku

agar tidak merindumu cepat cepat

sebab kau tau waktumu tidak lagi sebanyak itu

sepucuk surat yang tidak akan aku kirimkan (3)

hai, yang dulu pernah aku suka

6 years has passed but i still able to feel the blood on my scar.

i write this because im gonna be married soon, and i need a closure about you.

i still remember how good you were when we're still together. you're good looking and perfectionist person. yess, you were so good.

but i still remember perfectly how you treated me like a fool. the way you called me a bitch or slut and the way you told me i wasn't good enough, in every single day we had spent. lol. 

i remember crystal clearly about how you threw all of your shits to me. blamed all of the bad things happened in your day to me. you blamed me for the things i didn't even do. you blamed me for every rejection of your application letters. you blamed me because you had no money left on your wallet. and any other silly things.

i lost my self that time.

eventho you took me to the places i like, you brought me my fave beverage, you gave me a book i wanted,

but that's not enough for me, the damage you've made in my life was just too much. and i couldn't handle it.

that was not a relationship i wanted to have. that's why i left you.

i admit, i did cheat on you too.

but i didn't cheat with someone you thought i did with.

i cheated with my friend u didn't even know his name. i had never mentioned his name in front of you. not even once. i was a pro cheater. lol. i still am.

then i left you so lost you, but i found myself.

and it felt better. so damn much better.

i write this letter because i wanna tell you this:

i will not blame you for every single pain i gained from you anymore.

i'm fully blaming my self, because i let you did that.

but that's ok. bcs i will heal every wounds i have as well.

i'm good at healing. better than you think i am.

so... yea...

thankyou for every story we have made. i won't try to remember them anyway.

cheers!

new comer

i don't like being the only new person in the room

too afraid of making friend,

too insecure to start an A.

bcs i don't know how

my teacher never taught me to

and no book tells bout it too

i don't like being here

it's been a year but still

i am the new comer

i don't wanna be here

ruangan kamar

kamar saya selalu dapat merepresentatifkan isi kepala saya dengan baik.

sebaik hariini.

saya lupa mengapa saya meletakkan jaket jeans saya diatas kasur,

celana kerja dipojok ruangan, handuk di gagang pintu,

dan lain lainnya yang membuat saya harus melompat lompat saat memasuki ruangan supaya tidak menginjak barang barang yang bergeletakan.

dengan sangat baik ruangan saya menunjukkan isi kepala saya.

semrawut, tidak baik, dan tidak nyaman.

ingin rasanya saya menjajaki kaki di ruangan milik orang lain,

merasakan ketenangan dan kenyamanan.

dengan sangat baik ruangan saya memamerkan isi kepala saya.

foto foto pacar saya, dan dan selembar foto teman saya yang selalu saya sembunyikan didalam laci di sudut meja,

yang sudah entah kapan terakhir kali saya sentuh dan lihat,

namun tetap saya ingat jelas dimana letaknya.

kamar saya sangat berantakan.

namun ia masih dengan setia menyimpan kenangan kenangan di sudut sudut ruangan

the age of "too late"

in the late of twenties you will understand,
that the world doesn't spin only around you,
and reality just hit you harder than your father did last year.

you can hide under you blanket in the night,
because you try to cover yourself from coldness and your desperate feeling.
but at the time the sun goes up, you will regret.
because it's just too late to understand how this life can be so mean to you.
and now you hate yourself for not doing any better when you were younger,
start blaming yourself for wasting every hours that you need right now.

a piece of your mind keep telling you,
your father was right, but it's just heavy to admit
and he's already gone.

Dear Yoe

 Dear Yoe

it takes really a long time to make a deal with this situation. you left us. i mean, you went "home" just too early.

i know i know, that's the thing we cannot control. no one can. but yeah, it made my day became so hard. like really hard. i lost one of my sane people to help me think about this cruel world, about my crowded love story.

you are one of the best people i've ever met. you said so many things i denied, you said the truth i didnt wanna hear, you're mad at me because i made mistakes, you really did great things as a brother to me.

Dear Yoe

you were the first people i looked for on my graduation. you were always be the first people who said "happy birthday" to me (even tho i hated it. lol),  and too, you were the first person who always looked after me.

still, i am looing for a dream about you in my sleep. wishing to god to let me meet you in a dream, i am still looking for you.

Dear Yoe

i write this because i need to have a closure about you. even tho i know i wont stop feeling happy if i met you in a dream again, i wont stop missing you, and i love you still as a brother, not a lover lol (i know so many ppl think bout that).

today, i realized, i gotta let my self healing, and accept the fact. it's ok. i wont stop drinking coffee just because it reminds me of you sometimes. lol.

Dear Yoe

thank you for your presence in my life, thank you for being you.

stay

masih dan terus,
memohon kepadamu untuk bersamaku.

supaya setidaknya malam ini,
aku dijauhkan dari kekhawatiran akan kehilangan kamu
esok pagi.